I am writing to myself now as I have been influenced by brilliant friends who wrote letters to their future selves, and also because I would like to hold on to a written reminder that I have always been human and had felt things at different times in my life.
I just got back from a talk I had at a university and it is my first time to be invited as a speaker. I dorked out and possibly overwhelmed my audience with all the weird sounds I made but I hope I had rubbed off some inspiration to them and that they remember my face and recognize me elsewhere at other events, on the train, and what not. Right now, I am finishing my bottled milk tea which I bought from the nearest 7/11. I also had to pause for a while as the parents called me on the phone, asking how my talk went, if I slurred my words or if I spoke too fast, and then said their congratulations, I hung up and went back to typing this thing.
A few months ago, a guy I loved dearly broke up with me for reasons pertaining to him not knowing what he really wants. He is from a different country and as much as I tried hard to keep going with what we had, he pulled away, but now I am okay. Several months prior to that, my heart was broken for the first time by a guy I had fallen for deeply. I was hurt, more so, I was shattered. I started getting back into art as a form of release and escapism from all the frustrations and sadness and unpleasant things I felt. People of the internet, my friends and their friends responded well upon seeing my work. I had no intentions of exploiting my emotions into creating pieces that may have possibly caught attention, I was merely just creating honest work through which I can project emotions I could not handle or explain. Artistic catharsis, I’d say. The body of work I have produced led me to my first solo exhibition and it will always be a memorable first as I was nineteen back then, a psychology student with a semester away from a bachelor’s degree, and I had my first exhibit from which I reaped monetary funds. It was the best feeling.
I turned 20 on November ninth, I got more involved with the online magazine I work for, I went to more gigs and met new people, and I have been becoming less of a hermit. I also met someone and things shot up quite fast. I am not sure yet how to feel about it; on the one hand, he grew on me and I am starting to gradually have feelings for him. On the other, I do not entirely know how he feels for me as he went through terrible stuff in the past like I did; even if he was the first to show interest in me and asked me out three days into knowing each other. It would be nice if I don’t end up as just an option, but in the event that it happens, I hope that he would be honest about it and care enough to say it to my face so I don’t feel like turd. What I am certain of right now though, is that I would really like to see where this leads us and hopefully it doesn’t leave me as hurt as I had been in the past regardless of the many possible outcomes.
Well, that was how my life had been for the past year and a half. Right now, prominent feelings are confusion, delight, frustration, excitement, and the occasional jadedness. Let’s see how this goes.